The First Milestone in Writing and Teaching (Part 2)

Quick recap, on part 1 I told the chronology of how I joined English Book Writing, then English For Teachers, and finally got appointed as speaker on 1st meeting of EFT Class.

Here's what happened next.

The duration between team meeting and the first class meeting was less than a week. If I'm not mistaken the team meeting was on Tuesday November 23rd. Then the first class meeting was planned to be held on October 30th. During those period, honestly, every single day between that, I was a wreck. Well, to say I was wreck is probably an understatement. I WAS NERVOUS, TERRIFIED, CONFUSED. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on my daily job. I didn't help much with house duties 'cause normally I help out in kitchen as in cooking daily meal for my family. 

I couldn't stop questioning myself. "Will I be good enough? Can I do this? What will they think of me? What am I even going to speak about? Do I write a narration? Do I just speak directly?" The questions just went on and on.

Here's a lyric from a song titled "Wondering" from High School Musical The Musical The Series.

Olivia Rodrigo, Julia Lester - Wondering (HSMTMTS | Ashlyn & Nini Piano Version | Disney+)

Seems like a part of me will always have to lose
Every single time I have to choose
Swore that it felt right, but was I wrong?
Is this where I'm supposed to be at all?
I don't have the answers, not today
It's like nothing makes the questions go away
What I'd give to see if the grass was greener

On the other side of all I've had and lost
Would it be enough, or would I still be wondering?

If I could go back and change the past
Be a little braver than I had
And bet against the odds
Would I still be lost?
Even if I woke up in my dreams
Would there still be something I'm missing
If I had everything, would it mean anything
To me?

Feels like I might have broke the best thing that I had
I said too much to ever take it back
Scared I'll never find something as good
And would I even know it if I could?

From the other side of all I've had and lost
Would it be enough, or would I still be wondering?
(Or would I still be wondering, oh)

If I could go back and change the past
Be a little brave than I had
And bet against the odds
Would I still be lost?
Even if I woke up in my dreams
Would there still be something I'm missing
If I had everything, would it mean anything

Maybe I should turn around and take the other road
Or maybe I'm just looking for what I already know

I'm just wondering

If I could go back and change the past
Be a little brave than I had
And bet against the odds
Would I still be lost?
Even if I woke up in my dreams
Would there still be something I'm missing
If I had everything, would it mean anything
To me?

Would it be enough
Or would I still be wondering?

To sum up what I was feeling, it was a WONDERING. I was wondering way too much about myself and about what was going to happen next.

I tried to keep my spirit up, give myself some pep-talks, and I shared what I felt to my family, my colleagues, Mz.Phia, and the rest of the team. It helped calm me down. I'm grateful that I had been surrounded by kind people and their positivity. 

I used the limited times and resources I had to prepare as best as I could. I understood I couldn't be perfect in doing it, and no one expected me to be perfect. I JUST HAD TO DO IT. 

However, I couldn't help it. I have always been an over-thinking person. When I looked up for a fun PPT template, I believe it took me more than 24 hours until I was satisfied. And guess what? I changed the template ONE DAY before the schedule. I don't know. My first PPT template was actually good. It was bright and attractive. But one day before I was supposed to teach, I changed it. I ended up using Canva presentation template. I found it easier to handle because there are so many fun elements there, the editing and adjusting process were also easier to do. All in all, it was manageable.

Oh yeah, almost forget. I felt like I needed more time to prepare myself not only materially but also mentally. On October 30th, I was supposed to come working at office while the other admin staff named Pak Yoyok was supposed to work from home. It has been our system since the pandemic. I asked Pak Yoyok to switch with me. So he came to office on November 30th but worked from home on November 29th when he was originally supposed to come to office. I came to office on November 29th but took a day-off on the 30th. Was that confusing?

Well anyway, on the D-day, October 30th, in the morning, I was feeling queasy. I was hungry but I couldn't stomach eating anything. I had a cup of fruit salads in late morning around 9.30 am but before that I didn't eat anything, and I woke up at 4 am.

I was still dealing with preparation. I wrote down my narration so I could speak fluently without having to say, "Ummmmm....." Here's what I had written down sequentially.

I felt more prepared and confident after I wrote those notes. I had few hours to spare so I decided to rest a little. I took a nap for one hour and a half before noon.

At noon I woke up and opened my Whatsapp. One of my colleague named Ibu Evi asked me to come to the office because there were so many food brought up by Pak Ditsar, one of our clinical psychologist in the department. He just had his second child born and wanted us to celebrate together. In Islamic term it is called Aqiqah. I was hesitant to come to office but Bu Evi convinced me that the sooner I went to office, the sooner I could go back home. So I went to office after I moved my laptop, charger, headphone, and other necessity into my sister's house. My sister lives in 2 houses next to my house. She has a spare room, so I asked to have the meeting in that room. There are just so many people in my own house and prefer a quieter place so I could be more focus. I left my house and went to office around 12.30 pm. 

When I arrived in the office, I realized I was starving. Remember, I only had a cup of fruit salad on that day. So, I ate wholeheartedly but just enough, not too much. After finished eating, I decided to help out in cleaning the table and tidying up here and there. Seeing the time, I asked permission to leave and went back home. In the middle of the road, the rain poured down heavily. My pants and the front of my hijab were soaked. I arrived at home at 2.30 pm. I was closing it really tight. The class was almost started.

I quickly parked my motorcycle in my house, took off my helmet, then still wearing my raincoat I went to my sister's house. Luckily, I put a spare pants there already. So I hastily took off my raincoat, went inside, prepared my laptop and everything. While my laptop was starting up, I changed my pants. I was still wearing my soaked hijab, because I didn't prepare a change for that. It wasn't soaked that bad so I let it air dry. 

At exactly 3.00 pm, everything was ready. I took a deep breath and entered the zoom room.

_to be continued_

PS: Please don't be a silent reader. Any of your comments will be highly appreciated. Thank you. 

💖Vina