Dreaming isn't a bad thing.
But your dream isn't supposed to keep you imagining
It is supposed to get you moving
It is supposed to make you working
How's that for opening lines? I am not a fan of poem. To me they are too cheesy and they make me cringe. Song lyrics are essentially poem, but those I enjoy because the words are beautified with music. Both are arts in forms of exaggerated words. Exaggeration is considered normal in the context of art. Okay, that is all the philosophical ramblings I got for now.
Most part of this writing isn't exactly new. I wrote them few months ago on my laptop and it was just sitting there. I never posted it anywhere until now of course. It's about my health journey. I am very much grateful for my body. In almost 30 years, I've never ever experiencing any of these following issues:
- Passing out (loosing consciousness unintentionally, so different as sleeping)
- Nose bleed
- Surgeries (of any type including dental issues)
- Hospitalized (for any reason)
- Cavities (never once had them. I go to dentist only for cleaning purpose)
- Receiving IV fluid
Let’s take it way back when I was still a
pre-teen.
I got my first period ever when I was entering 5th
grade of elementary school. The year was 2002 so I was only 10 years old! Oh my
God! I just realized that fact as I’m writing this.
So anyway, even after having my period, my body
didn’t change. I still looked like a kid, a thin and short kid. I graduated
elementary in 2 years then proceed to middle school. When I entered middle
school I guess I started to gain weight and grow but it wasn’t much. I remember
freshman year of middle school when all new students had medical checkup at
school, I was 47 kg and 152 cm. My knowledge about health was very little to
almost nothing. Now that I think about it, 47 kg 152 cm on a 13 year old girl
is not bad. It wasn’t bad for me at least. I’ve never been a picky eater. I
didn’t eat small portion. My eating habit was fine. I also didn’t restrict
myself on anything. Basically, I ate whatever I wanted.
Then not a year after that, so I was in 2nd
year of middle school, I gained drastically by 11 kg. In less than a year I
went from 47 kg to 58 kg and 152 cm to 155 cm (That’s also my current height
now at 29. I am a shorty). My school uniform got tighter so my Mom had to make
some adjustment. The uniform only survived for a short time. Because I kept
growing, on my last year of middle school my Mom finally had to buy me new
whole set of uniform. I was going to graduate soon but my uniforms didn’t fit
me anymore. It was so unfortunate but it had to be done.
Throughout high school until college years, I knew
I was on the “bigger” side of group. I saw myself as plus-size, a big person. I
didn’t see myself as curvy or healthy or good-looking. I didn’t care at all
about my appearances or maybe I tried not to care about them so much because I
honestly didn’t like it. The good news is I was already quite a driven person
inside. I mean I understood things that are more important than physical
appearances like my family, my social relationship with my friends (no
boyfriend at all during those times sadly), and my education achievements. I wasn’t
a sporty girl but I did my best in all my PE classes. I was also very active
and I wasn’t lazy to move around. I felt fine, I felt good, and I felt
comfortable.
ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ
•́ )ᕗ
Let’s jump in a little further now. Things are
about to start getting more serious.
On November 2013 I graduated college. I was 68 kg
and 155 cm. (Hold on, I have to mention
that during one of those college days I decided to go to a slimming clinic of
sort and I was 73 kg when they first measured me. Then I did their diet suggestion
which was crazy but I could lost my weight by 5 kg overall and kept it off
until I graduated. Okay, let’s continue). I regretfully didn’t do my best
on picking the best kebaya (That’s what we call the clothing, it was a
traditional Javanese garment) and I didn’t use the best salon or place to do my
makeup. I didn’t look good, really, I regret it. But whatever, it happened.
Just take a note at my weight; I was 68 kg when I graduated. To be exact, I
graduated on November 2nd 2013.
The next day on the 3rd of November the
same year, I went straight to other province where I was hired for my first
ever job. I lived by myself without any family in a rented house I shared with
some strangers; they were all girls but strangers. I spent my first week just
go to work, eat, and be at my room watching movies on my laptop; with
occasional phone calls to my Mom which always ended with me bawling my eyes, I
was crazy homesick. On November 10th, I was sent to Thailand for
2-week work training. I was back on November 23rd.
Here’s the thing, see, within November 2nd
to 23rd I gained A LOT, guess how much? I gained 7 kg just in 3
weeks! I was 75 kg.
Let’s jump forward again, shall we?
On September 2014 I resigned and got hired at
different company. I worked at said company until February 2017. This company
always held medical checkup annually for all their workers; how nice of them,
right? and this always done in December. On 2014 I didn’t get that privilege
because I was still new, but I got my checkup on 2015 and 2016. Oh boy, I
thought it couldn’t get any worse, but it did. On 2015 I was 77 kg and on 2016
I was 85 kg. Oh, I’m going to add more spice here. On January 2021 I was 104.
And FINALLY nowadays, May 2022 I was 109 kg. That was the very last time I put
myself on a scale. Fiuh..
Okay, so that’s all about my history from body
weight-scale’s point of view.
ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ
•́ )ᕗ
Next, I’d like to take out my jumbled-scattered
mind and put them into several points. I don’t know what to call them. Things I
want to do? Or things I must do? I’ll get to that later, maybe. Here they are:
1. Moving forward.
I’m compartmentalizing (That’s a long word, huh?).
I’m compartmentalizing my past thoughts and ideals. I think most of them are
not accurate scientifically. They won’t give me any good if I keep bringing
them out. So, bye now, past! I’ll visit you some other time, most likely.
2. Nutrition balance
I’m actually confused whether to call it “focuses
on nutrition” or “nutrition-wise” or if I even want to put the word “nutrition”
here because it’s a little bit triggering for me but yet I must work through
it. So, about nutrition, instead of thinking “I need food to survive”, I’m
working on shifting it to “My body needs nutrition to keep going on”. That’s
better, isn’t it? It’s a work in progress.
I did try to learn about nutrition and how much my
body needs composition-wise, but it stopped. Counting calories, daily
macro-nutrition intakes, meal plans; I did them all. To sum it up, it was
exhausting. Maybe I did them wrong. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I
didn’t put all my efforts. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know.
Personally I’d prefer to focus on major things to
minor things. One example is trans-fat, aka greasy food. Let’s face it. Where I
live and my country’s custom, fried food is very much inevitable. I love my
country and if I try hard enough to dig deep, I might be able to find some
facts which would lead to my understanding of why and how come people are the
way they are right now. Sorry if that’s confusing. My point is “some food are
inevitable in Indonesia”; such as white rice, fried food, sugar, starch, and
many more. I tried to eat more like a western people but again, that was
unsustainable big time.
By the end of this ranting I’m going to show list
of things that I believe are more sustainable to do in terms of preserving my
health and eventually losing fat.
3. Exercise
This one is simple enough. Each person has
different environment, resources, abilities, body shapes, and more. When it
comes to exercise I’d just say, “Do whatever you CHOOSE.” There are so many
things out there that can educate us regarding this matter. Working with professionals
is always the better option.
The big point is DO WHAT YOU ENJOY, no matter how
you interpret that sentence, and not do what you are pressured to do. Does that
make sense?
4. Proper Sleep
This one is again, simple enough, at least
theoretically. Same with exercise, it depends on the individual. I can’t give
any suggestion to other, but to myself, I need to work on it and I will,
hopefully.
ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ
•́ )ᕗ
Having said all of those things, these are some
points that I came up. I call it “Things I can maintain to do for real”.
1. Less fried food
It’s easy to do when I cook the meal myself, but
it’s hard when I don’t cook the meal myself. I won’t stress myself out about
this. If I have the time I’ll cook, but if I don’t have the time or if I’m too tired,
it’s okay to have whatever’s available. Just have them normally, in proper
serving, and not eat them too much.
2. More veggies
It’s also easy to do when I cook them myself. I
can control all the ingredients and make it my taste. Again, that doesn’t mean
I won’t eat veggies that I don’t cook myself. I will still eat whatever veggies
available, be it my mom’s cooking or we buy it from somewhere else, it’s okay.
3. Weekend walk
According to my exercise history, walking is my
number 1 preference. I can endure long walks, though I don’t think I ever did
that for 1 hour or more non-stop since I came to adulthood. I just enjoy
walking itself. Maybe sometimes I’d do indoor following some YouTube videos or
maybe outdoor, I’d do whatever depends on the situation.
I said weekend because that’s the most realistic
time when I can do it. I wanted to do every single day in the morning, but I
have to be out of the house before 6 AM. I take my little sister to school then
straight to my office. I thought of walking in the late afternoon after I
finish working, but most of the time I go home very tired or I have to do
errands or chores or tutoring. It’s just unrealistic for now. Maybe someday
later I can, who knows.
4. More fruits
I have a confession to make. I’m not crazy about
fruits. Sometimes during when I grew up, I don’t remember fruits being
something that was provided regularly at home. It’s almost like fruits weren’t
considered a meal, you know. They were more like optional snacks that we didn’t
prefer compared to other snacks like chips, fries, and sweets. They’ve never
been main commodity that must exist in the kitchen all the time. From now on I
intend to change that situation.
5. Deep and proper sleep
Be more conscious on how many hours I need to
allocate for sleeping, as in night time sleeping, not short naps throughout the
day. This one I am confident that I manage because I’ve done this before. Back
in my early first working experiences, I told myself that I must be in bed and
sleep by 10 PM the latest. Then I must be up and about at 4 AM. That’s 6 hours
of sleeping. Most of the time, I tried my best to sleep at 9 PM so I got longer
hours of sleep. Basically, the earlier I went to bed, the longer time I could
sleep, and the better I rest. And it happened like that. So, it’s all about
habitual action and be discipline about it.
ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ
•́ )ᕗ
I’m going to close this writing by telling you the philosophical diet that I agree. It said that diet is a lifestyle. Diet is not about losing weight or body transformation. To me it’s about what you do for real to take care of your body. It’s about understanding your body and yourself. Someday I am going to be fit.
If I want to write a letter for my body. It'll be something like
this.
My Dearest Body,
Thank you for being whole. Thank you for always be with me. Thank you
for always supporting me. I believe all these times, it’s also you who’s been
taking care of me.
You are super strong. I’ve never experienced being hospitalized for any
reason, passing out, nose bleed, toothache, and any type of surgeries; those
are things I’m so proud of and all thanks to you.
Even when I don’t take care of you, you always stay strong.
When I didn’t eat anything for 3 days but just drinking coconut water
following a crazy weight lose advice, you kept me stand and didn’t fall down.
When I just blindly followed all diet methods without taking you into
account, you never complained. I saw and heard other people with bad side
effects from improper dieting methods such as hair loss, dizziness, irregular
periods, pains, even something more serious such as infertility, immune
problem, hormone problems, and more. Yet you have never ever given me any of
those issues. How did you do that? I don’t understand but I’m so grateful.
When I’m too lazy to work out or even move around, you did complained
by giving me some pains in certain are like knees and back, but it was gone in
matter of days. I’m sorry because I ignored your complain. Even when I paid
attention, I’ve never been consistent about it. For that I’m very truly sorry.
I’ve been educating myself about you. It’s a non-ending process but I
really want to do my best to make you be better and feel better. Not that
there’s anything wrong about you but I’m sure you have problems that I don’t
know yet. What’s clear to me is you are now in an uncomfortable condition,
aren’t you?
It’s getting hard for you to keep supporting me for years. I’ve been
making it harder and harder for you. I realize that. I apologize for all the extra
works you have to endure due to my recklessness.
I hope you know that I want to do better. I want to understand you
better. I want us to be better.
Let’s move forward together.
Thank you for reading this. Have a great day.☺
No comments:
Post a Comment